By Attorney Ed Sherman, Founder of Nolo Press and the Self-Help Law Movement
There are ways to go about breaking up that will give you the best chance for a smoother trip through one of life’s most difficult passages. This is an exceedingly sensitive time when it doesn’t take much to stir things up.
Fortunately, because we go through this with other couples a few thousand times a year, we know exactly what you can do, and the kinds of things you must avoid, to make breaking up as smooth as possible.
Whether you are a married couple, or have been living together in a long-term committed relationship, breaking up is almost always painful, but the essential thing is to avoid unnecessary pain and cost, much of which can be avoided or minimized if you are careful.
It is essential to avoid words and actions that escalate from hurt, fear, and anger to hostility, lawyers, courts, and huge expenses. That would be very hard on you, on your kids if you have any, and devastating to your pocketbook.
For couples who are not married, breaking up presents many of the same challenges. In this discussion, if you replace divorce with breakup and spouse with partner, it will work the same for you. So here are the five things you really need to know before telling your spouse you want to break up:
* If you’re the one who wants to separate, don’t do one more thing or say one more word to your spouse until you understand the rest of this article. The way you announce the decision, or respond to it, will make a huge difference in the way things unwind.
* The most common cause of conflict in separation and divorce is lack of mutuality in the decision—in other words, both spouses haven’t accepted the idea that you’re breaking up. Ideally, the decision would be arrived at together, but in most cases one spouse decides alone after taking time to think about it, get advice from friends or professionals, process emotions and make plans.
* Once the decision is made, if you present it to your spouse as a done deal and the sooner the better, you have thrown away a valuable chance to get the best result. Opportunities to solve problems and possibly save the relationship have been lost. What’s worse, a long, hard divorce is more likely because the first spouse is ready to break up right away while the other spouse is upset and still working through denial and resistance. This person hasn’t had time to process the reality and will be in some kind of emotional upset, in no way ready to discuss details or work out accommodations.
* This is not a good time to push along on the breakup, even though the first spouse is ready and highly motivated to do so. Moving along too quickly at this point is the root cause of a lot more trouble to follow. If you are the first to decide, you are in a unique and powerful position to affect the future tone of the divorce. By being abrupt and insensitive, you can almost guarantee a bitter, expensive divorce.
* If you want to encourage a sane resolution of divorce issues, be patient, be sensitive, but most of all, slow down. Give your spouse time to process the changes. Stay positive and as close to your spouse as possible. You can express caring and concern while being firm in your decision. Work with your spouse until you can both accept the fact that going your separate ways is inevitable, and you can both focus on moving forward. This is the best way to break up, and will lead to the best result.
I give you everything you need to further prepare yourself before letting your spouse know you want to break up, in my book Make Any Divorce Better.
Copyright © 2012 Ed Sherman
Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. With more than a million books sold, Ed has saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. You can order his books from www.nolotech.com or by calling (800) 464-5502.
My wife just handed me divorce papers, refusing any discussion, telling me not to speak to her, only her lawyer. She then spent 15 minutes with our college age kids (one commuting from home), told them she was never coming back to our area, but she could visit her at her mother’s house, 5 hours away.
3 hours after handing me papers, she was gone. And I was left with two confused kids, angry at her. Although I suggested that both call her, after 2 months, my son still has yet to speak to her.
In case you’re wondering, there was no cheating or violence, although we certainly weren’t getting along.
I have no idea how the divorce negotiations will go, but I’m not expecting them to be simple and cheap, and there is paperwork here that she was unaware of (disadvantage of doing a quick disappearing act) that will not help her in these negotiations.
And now she has two kids who feel abandoned (they are still kids when in their late teens, despite the law). I’ve avoided badmouthing her, but haven’t had to.
Aim for a discussion, rather than a mad dash (have the papers delivered later), or the price you pay will last a lifetime. I’ve known parents who get nasty letters from estranged children living 12,000 miles away at age 50 for lesser things.
Thanks for sharing that, Arnold. Hopefully it will help others who may be tempted to do what your wife did, to reconsider. It’s so sad when kids end up feeling abandoned as yours do, and so unnecessary. You make a good point at the end of your post.
I concur.. she should not walked out shame on her,,,,but kids are in college there now over 18 considered adults why get mad at her….she raised them, now bits her turn to live.
I don’t have kids but thank yo u
I agree! Who wants to waste one moment more than nessesary with someone they can no longer trust (or like)?
I truly hope her children understand that she tolerated an unhappy situation (for years?) to raise her children with both parents. I guess I’m lucky because my only child is a perpetually angry, middle-aged one.
I’m sorry, Arnold, but you admitted that you weren’t getting along; how did her decision surprise you?
I hope you and your children have adjusted, and that your ex found the happiness she was so desperately seeking.
I told my husband tonight I wanted a divorce he refused to sleep with me it’s always a major issue..we havent even been married a year..he raises hell about everything including my daughter eating saying she dont buy food but she eats all the time…( he doesnt buy food either I do) we both get a social security check but I work also an pay the car payments furniture payments everything except half the rent an power…I came home an then on top of the usual raising hell about everytime from the dogs to the dirty clothes( which he wont even wash even tho that’s what he sign up for an agreed on since all he wants to do is sit at home) which he only leave the house if I’m gonna take him put to eat..but he had the gall to ask me for $60 knowing I’m working my butt off to get caught up on Bill’s then after a fight I told him about being done his response is “well you will die alone no one will ever have you” lol yeah no man wants a wife that will work pay th less bills an then come home clean the house feed the animals an want sex all the time it was all i could do not to punch him in the face but then he went to sleep ..my first husband got the divorce after I left him my second husband of 27 years passed away so i never had to file an dont know where to get started
In response to your statement that you don’t know where to get started divorcing your husband, if you are in California then you can learn what to do by reading our book, How to Do Your Own Divorce in California. Even if you don’t want to do your own divorce, this book will show you how to get started, and explains the type of help available for a California divorce. This eBook is available here. If you are in a different state, you can try some web searches using terms such as “divorce help”, “legal divorce assistance”, “divorce paralegal” and “how to get divorced in (name of state)”. You can also go to your county’s website and see what information is available there regarding the divorce process in your area.
I’m going thru a what seems to be a ugly start to a divorce my spuse has been cheating in me with another woman for iver 7byears and just decided he is in love with her and wants me out. Hjs family has let usive with them our while marriage and they have no problem throwing me out in the street. CAN they legally do this? We have a child who he seems to think he is going to take from me. Might I add I don’t have any family and my father just died a year ago . I have nowhere to go and he doesn’t care. He’s left me with no money and my car broke down. His mother gives him money and puts him up wjth his girlfriend in motels quite regularly. I’m sitting here in shock not knowing what to expect next they nitpick me and tk behind my back and I feel they are planning something big for me I don’t feel safe here cuz I feel like they are against me inwhuch they are..I’ve told me I had nothing to worry about he wasn’t leaving me for this woman then all of a sudden he text me at 3am and told me he wants a divorce. I’m beside myself I don’t knkw qhat options I have I don’t even knkw qhat to do with mysf let alone be here scared kf whats gking to happen next.
Perhaps you could look for free legal aid for low income adults in your area. We wish you the best of luck.
Leave with the baby and your stuff and go to the nearest women’s shelter. Ask for help. Get all the assistance you can. Get a job. Stay safe! Don’t let them take that child for a minute. File for child support. Wait for him to file a divorce if you have to. Try to save up best you can. But whatever you do don’t let him have that baby. Get free legal advice about it. Say you need emergency custody at once and that it is an emergency and ur spouse is abusive! Just trying to help.
Listen to me Arnold I wanted to put this at the top of the page because I hope people read this because it’s going to be a lifetime movie one day I’m in a much worse situation though I have no children with her I have grandchildren who adored her her grandchildren grew up in my house we spent 14 years together the last two married and on Christmas Eve I told her she was my ride or die after finding out that my father was diagnosed with cancer that was spreading through his whole body He’s been very generous to us and we both have enjoyed the pleasure of visiting him in Florida and his hospitality now Christmas Day I flew down because my father was DNR did not want to be treated for cancer or anything else he wanted to die we all knew this It was in his will and I read it to her carefully my wife okay we exchanged gifts the day before on Christmas Eve I only gave her a pair of slippers and they were Lilo & stitch slippers because I thought that her rabbit that I had bought her and she loved daily would enjoy them she drove me to the airport on Christmas Day kissed me goodbye and said she loved me and I did to her I flew down to watch my father die putting morphine oxycodone and his mouth every 3 hours to ease his pain she decided it would be okay to forge $1,200 worth of checks that had come in and then take a check out of my checkbook and write another check for the oil that was to be delivered I’m trying to keep this short but it’s very long story because it happened over a period of about a month I questioned her about the check for the oil she gave me one word answers never really got the answer The only answer I got was I thought that’s the way it was I said yes it was the way it was when you told me you wrote a check but I happened to find out by looking at my mobile app and then questioned her about it okay so keeping this short I will say that I never really got the answers I had lent her parents $700 before Christmas which she told me was for their homeowners insurance I offered a thousand and I still haven’t been paid back when I called her parents to question on them on this one my return from Florida after watching my father die they had no remorse for me everyone else I had seen had said I’m so sorry even if it was a person behind the register at a gas station that said oh I’m so sorry to hear that My in-laws didn’t My wife said oh that must have been tough yeah tough one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to do besides this divorce when I got home from Florida the day before she had texted me that she was leaving that she had made up her mind that she was leaving and said okay if that’s what you want to do go ahead didn’t think she would came home The only thing I found in her closet were the clothes that were above her style and that I had bought her and her wedding ring on the buffet table I don’t think I have to tell you the rest she disappeared to her parents house 4 mi down the road applied for a restraining order which she had no grounds to get had me arrested for trespassing on her parents property when I came over one night to see if she might be sitting in the living room so I could talk to her and then got back in my car and left nothing more criminal trespassing a felony I could have done 10 years for sending the second text that I sent her after being arrested the first time 4 days after they gave me no trespass warning there were no not any no trespassing signs on the property The police told me that they had cameras on their house they can’t even afford a new toilet or a water heater and they had to borrow $700 from me for Christmas how the hell did they afford cameras on there house it’s beyond me how this woman could do this to me as such a horrible time in my life I have yet to figure it out but I am moving on I will get by I’m a strong man even though I haven’t shown it I’ve cried for days over this and now I’m over that I’m not going to spiral I’m not going to pace in my house I’ve been remodeling my house so when the time comes to sell the house during the divorce or after the divorce whatever she decides that she will get more money than we would have gotten if I didn’t do the work okay at first I was doing it for her now I’m doing it for me and I hope she gets very very little of it as she has applied for alimony have to enjoying a very lavish not very lavish but very generous husband for years who worked overtime through Christmas 10 days straight so that her grandkids could have presents and she could afford to give presents to her children and her parents I gave her parents $700 two weeks before this last Christmas so they could afford to give their grandchildren Christmas presents and they couldn’t even say there was sorry my father died I don’t think they’re human
Listen man. There must have been something in the wind you could have seen. Quite frankly, it sounds like you are the “unawares” victim. Own up to it!! Move on… shit happens.
agreed, she must have been really up to her limit anf just couldnt take it anymore, I think she did yhe brave thing making a clean break
Don’t be so hard on him, feeling just don’t leave overnight.
They. Are married now and my husband we been together for 45 years#
I no he has not been doing anything with me for 6 years he also been mean*
Tina! I’m past my breaking point! My wife and I have been in a sexless marriage for 35 yrs. She moved out to be with her mother. I found out that the only reason she married me, was as a sperm donor! Both of her brothers are not, as they say, are normal! She wanted to give her parents a normal grandson. That turned out to be disastrous! I would like to know more about how you’ve survived. leonardnewman213@gmail.com!
They raised children who are in college; it’s hardly overnight!
Definitely agree here. Unless there is some sort of mental disorder, most woman say things like hey your behavior is starting to make me not like you please don’t do it. Then years go by of saying this and somehow the spouse didn’t see it coming? Teenage children need to get over it. Late teens is 18/19 years old? Their mother obviously waited until they were adults because she cares. She doesn’t want to go back to the area and her kids shouldn’t make her right now. I’m sure she’ll come visit them once they do not live with you. As of now, their mother needs their comfort just as she has been giving them for almost two decades.
I agree, Jane!
Respectfully, you have no idea what the wife was or was not saying or doing. You also do not know what kind of mother she was or was not. To assume that she stuck in the marriage to raise the children out of love for them is extremely naive. I know nothing but this side of the equation and there are two sides to every story, but to assume the wife was conveying her troubles to her husband without actually knowing that is ignorant.
It is your fault! Take some responsibility. No one wakes up and leaves because you have been an amazing faultless spouse. You made her be done.
Assumption
He don’t be won’t me *
Oh stop playing the victim. Obviously you weren’t listening when she was telling you how she felt.
I feel so bad for your kids, and you, hang in there !
Thank you Arnold Z., this sounds like the best caring advice for my future separation. No violence or cheating but still painful process to accept what has to change. I have a young 5 year old and hes the most important person in my life, and I want things to be as painless and quick as possible.
Omg I cant believe the completely insensitive comments on here to this man. You have NO idea what has been going on in his marriage. Im about to end mine and I can tell all of you I KNOW it is NOT my fault. My wife has been falsely accusing me of everything from cheating to incest….FOR NO REASON…other than that her mind is impossibly screwed up. She would pick fights with ANYONE and EVERYONE in my life other than her. I literally CANT have friends or family in my life or ANY kind of life outside of her. She is the most insensitive and jealous person I have ever seen in my life. I saw that before we married and was dumb enough to believe shed get better if I married her. She even gets mad at me for TIPPING hotel staff. SERIOUSLY. If I tip a hotel maid shes jealous that I gave a small amount of money to someone besides her. She literally told me she wanted that 10 bucks I gave to the hotel maid. So I give her 10 bucks as well and then she says she wants the 10 I gave to the hotel maid too. Mind you I have been paying for EVERYTHING every time we went out and have filled her aunts house that she is renting with furnitue, big screen tvs and appliances. I have spend thousands upon thousands of dollars on her for ZERO appreciation in return. She is SICK and needs serious professional help and is in denial. I have tried to get her to go get help and have tried to get her into marriage counseling. She went ONE time to marriage therapist with me and the counselor felt sorry for me at the end of that session. My wife started accusing the therapist of coming on to me. She called and blessed out a customer I had a years ago (I have a lawn care business) for NO reason. She just assumes the worst and thinks she knows things that she has no idea about. That lady didnt even know I had a fiancee at the time. I hardly ever even saw that lady as she was almost never home when I did the lawn service and she would leave a check for me.
So dont tell me its not possible for a one sided fault marriage/relationship failure because I KNOW that it IS possible because I LIVED IT.
It isn’t your fault that she had mental health issues, but at the same time, you chose to stay in it and allowed yourself to be manipulated by her mental health problems.. you allowed yourself to be walked all over like a door mat..
It takes 2
Exactly! I’ve noticed that no one wants to actually take ownership over what they allow in their lives. His wife exhibited signs before marriage yet he still stayed and even legally binded himself to someone who was emotionally unstable. It takes two to tango.
im so sorry she did this too you and you children. I HATE divorce. My wife of 24 years this month, has said she does not love me anymore, she wants a divorce because she can;t take care of me anymore, meaning asking me if I want lunch when she is getting up to get herself some. But she left 20 minutes later leaving our 9 year old son here with me and has not spoken to me or him since she left 5 days ago. She went to her parents house which I have no clue where they live because she has spent the last year complaining about me behind my back and they suddenly want nothing to do with me. So as a result I have no idea of their address. She stated that she will be filing for divorce and seeking to take our home, our son, and send me packing and wont be back here until I am out on the streets. Thing is I love her with all of my heart. Sh told me almost 2 years ago she was not attracted to me anymore. Actually I hate life. People are able to get divorced way too easy.
Sorry I forgot to mention our son is on the spectrum autistic.
I’m 70 going through a divorce it’s now 7 years.She has her friend as her lawyer doesn’t pay shit defies everything my lawyer sends her ,lives in my 275000 home 2 cars I’m living with my 75 sisterdriving a 2003 Honda, I just want a divorce so I can split everything but she won’t budge crazy thoughts go through my head constantly.My lawyer won’t do anything else I refuse to pay him ,please someone tell me how to get a divorce
I THINK PEOPLE JUDGE THE WOMEN IN MANY CASES BECAUSE LEAVING ABRUBTLY IS AN EASY WAY OUT BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS POOR WOMAN PROBABLY WENT THROUGH. PEOPLE DEAL WITH ISSUES BEHIND CLOSED DOORS AND IT BECOMES UNBERABLE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE DOES NOT WANT TO UNDERSTAND YOU AND NEVER THE LESS SHOW YOU ANY AFFECTION. ANOTHER THING HUSBANDS THAT STAY HOME AND PORTRAY THEMSELVES AS SAINTS AS THIS ONE IS A POOR EXCUSE FOR A MAN. YOU MISTREAT YOUR WIFE TO THE POINT THAT SHE HAS TO LEAVE HER HOME . BUDDY YOU ARE NO MAN BUT A COWARD. YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE LEAVING NOT HER.
You make a good point. It would be a mistake to judge the behavior of anyone going through a divorce without knowing what went on behind closed doors.
So very true!!! I love my husband, but he doesn’t appreciate anything I do for him yet expects me to do everything his way >[
You no I try to save my marriage but he doesn’t want me he goes out he toke my name of everything but are 2 house *
I so agree with you. I am in a marriage for 32 years now. I have left him 20 some years ago and I wish I never came back. Nobody knows what you are going through unless they wear the shoes you are wearing. If I could afford to leave, I would leave in a heart beat.
Precisely my situation. My husband has taken advantage of me from day one. We both want a divorce, but of course he doesn’t want it until it’s good for him. We are somewhat separated, sharing a house. It is two floors, with no connecting staircase. One has to go outside and around the house to get to the “basement apartment,” which is actually a much more livable space than the upstairs, which was never built as a home, but as a dentist’s office in 1930. He never finished the work. Not the wiring. I supported us until I was forced to retire early due to bad health. (!!!) Early on I had two jobs. He said, “You make money so much more easily, you should make the money.” (He’s an artist/painter.) Then he said, “You clean up house so much better than I do, you should do it. It’s too hard for me.” I could go on and on and on and on. There was a period where I HAD to work 7 days a work in order for him to sell any of his paintings. Commute to NYC, and work on the weekends. The only reason I haven’t divorced him is because of community property laws in this state. I could not live on half of my income, which is indeed pitiful now due to early retirement. He has never held down a “real” job. Now he is not working at all. He “quit” substitute teaching when I suggested he start painting again (for personal satisfaction; not to quit his job). He has not taken a single step to well any paintings in over two years. I have lost weight due to hunger. We live in essential poverty. But as I understand it, if I divorce him, I will support him for the rest of my life. Neither one of us can afford to buy out the other for our house, and it is not sellable as it remains unfinished and essentially unlivable (my part of the house, that is). ANd he is decided he is lord and master of above and below. He dictates what I can and cannot do. If he says I may not keep a candle in the kitchen — to light the stove when the lighters don’t work and the matches won’t work — he says I may not. All the rules are his rules, but he will tell you I always get my way. He stopped drinking for years and became less abusive, but now he is drinking again and becoming more and more perpetually insulting. He contradicts everything I say, whether it is about gardening — such as crop rotation is very necessary for organic gardening; or crops that are “heavy feeders” need fertilizer; or that watering in the evening is bad, if you get the plants wet; or that pulling up weed maple trees is easy when they are infants but becomes increasingly difficult as they grow larger…. To cooking, to storage — no, we cannot have shelves until I have thrown everything away. I have no closet in which to put my shoes. I should throw them away, then we can build the closet. My opinion about the need for cabinets in the kitchen — or anywhere there is room for them, in a house with very little wall space — is not to be listened to. He is the “decider” and that is it. I made the mistake early on of letting him control the bank account and pay bills. I can change that, and I guess I should. So he thinks all the money coming into this house — my pitiful pension and Social Security — is his to do with as he pleases, and my opinion, once again, is not needed. Nor is it tolerated. I may not even initiate conversation about anything such as gardening, because my opinion is beneath contempt even before hearing. It is all so insane, I cannot believe it. But I cannot afford to support him and support myself. The one time we went before a judge here, he favored my husband completely. He did not believe a word I said. He said, obviously I must have made an agreement with my husband that he could stay home and I would make all the money. That is entirely untrue. And my health failed, and he refuses to believe anything that doctors say about me. My life is a nightmare, and I would love to change it.
And also I would love to force him to honor our agreement and be “lord and master” downstairs but not here. And to make a little money by at least attempting to sell his paintings would be a big plus. He is a decent painter and can sell them, as long as he tries to. But if there is any way we can scrape by, no matter how poor, that is all right with him.
Wow! Here’s my advice: you have to find a way to take the power back into your hands. Do you have a friend or family ‘s house you can move to “temporarily”? You need to get out of there and you don’t need to ask his permission! Just do it! Start your own secret slush fund, even if it’s only a few dollars. It will make you feel more empowered. Change your attitude and put yourself first. YOU DON’T NEED HIM! If you can’t move out, start doing things on your own. Join some groups, go to the library, reach out to old friends. Many libraries have free classes and events. IGNORE HIM AND DON’T LET HIM GET TO YOU! And don’t spend your precious energy arguing with him! Walk away, become as independent as possible, put your mental energy somewhere else. You can’t change him, but you can ignore him and go your own way. LET GO OF ANY EXPECTATIONS REGARDING HIM! Either do it yourself or don’t do it. Divorce him in your heart and mind even if you can’t divorce him physically. Over you lower your expectations, ignore him and concentrate on yourself without focusing on him doing anything or meeting your need, living with the situation will be more tolerable. But make sure you start that slush fund and making connections with other people. Good luck!
I love him but you I can’t make him love me you no I am also going blind I don’t no how to leave*
Me too
Me too; 22 years married and tired.
Share accommodation – get out!
I am in a position where I am unable to see where to go, my wife is an alcoholic but does not realise, I love my girls with everything that I am, she is violent and abusive, I need help in the way of advice, please help me.
Wow, Billy, that sounds like a really hard position to be in. If anyone reading this has had experience with this kind of situation, Billy could really use your advice.
Billy,
I have so much compassion for you and your family.
Have you looked into ALANON for support? Yo may find a supportive community while you go through a decision making process.
https://al-anon.org/
Get her to self admit to 90 day rehab… that is just the start…..If she doesn’t commit to rehab, you have your answer… Run, don’t walk until you are in a new living situation… Then negotiate the separation / divorce.
@nonoforbusiness inconsiderate of you to throw shots at the man without knowledge of the relationship. I’m currently in I situation where as I’m ready to divorce my wife. She had a ruff patch when she was younger which I acknowledge but she blames me for why she is always angry. Like the gentleman your judging me and her have never been violent towards each other or no infidelity. Being a women granted is very hard and your minds and bodies go through a lot but women tend to be so mentally deep into these changes that the man is almost forced to deal with your internal issues that it is unfair. As known many people walk around undiagnosed but more research on the female mind and body is very necessary.
wow…not sure how you could get all of thos details about their relationship and make such a harsh judgement! Soooo wrong
Wow! You’re either the crazy woman that ran out on him and abandoned your kids, or some other woman who did the same thing and needs to justify yourself. And stop yelling, it’s not ladylike.
Shut up about all of this “ladylike” crap. I’m sick of it! We ladies should definitely be respectful, yes, but we do NOT have to be like you men tell us to be! So please mind your own business. You do not know what this woman has gone through so stop it with the rise comments! This goes for everyone!
And you don’t know what the man went through. You’ve obviously made up your mind solely based upon gender. Shame.
No, but I know she lied by omission and instead of being honest and upfront undercut and hurt her entire family for her satisfaction in the worst way possible.
The whole ‘you don’t know excuse’ is the immoral action she took. It’s a little thing called deceit. She isn’t strong for leaving, she has a weak will, weak enough that she felt afraid of sharing her feelings upfront and dealing with the pain they would cause. Instead she ditched so she wouldn’t have to deal with it.
My fiancé has been abusive physically financially and mentally and says the same thing about me buttering him up with gifts and gentle conversations about unhappiness for months. Easy or hard let down MOST NOT ALL men are embarrassed and humiliated by being left. So maybe look at how much of your feelings are about the public impressions of your marriage post breakup vs believing the other person felt safe and happy with you
I 100% agree with this comment as someone going through a separation. The last thing you want is for your kids to feel pain. And it’s much easier to rip the band aid off then to put on your big girl panties and go through the pain of dismantling your family. She choose to take the easy route.
you are so 100 percent correct
Thank you for saying this. I’m in a scenario where there’s “no violence” in my marriage, but my husband is incredibly emotionally abusive and flies off the handle so easily. He’s exhibited some behavior that’s absolutely terrifying to me, but he sees nothing wrong with it (and he only lets out his worst behavior behind closed doors, so other people rarely see it). I want to/need to leave him, but I need to do it suddenly and while he is away from the house. I could absolutely see him murdering me in a fit of rage if I were to tell him face to face that I want to leave him.
I’ve seen advice from therapists and legal counselors that says if you want a divorce then that’s the way to do it. A clean break away. Don’t continue to live together or separate just prolonging the inevitable. I’m going through this with my husband and living together until I can “decide” what I want to do but him hovering over me, watching me like a hawk and breathing down my neck with absolutely nothing to say, all the whole telling his family who keep calling me and texting me, is straight up torture, especially after I asked him not to talk to family until things were determined and decisions were solidified. So, after 20 years of asking him to do certain things, of being unhappy, and feeling unloved, knowing he wasn’t attracted to me…I fell out of love, and parts of me loathing him. He’s a good person, and I don’t want to see him or my kids hurt, but honestly I can’t be controlled and anxious and feel like lesser than anymore without wanting to either take my life or just run away. Guys, I know not all of y’all are like this, but when your wife asks you multiple times over years please listen. Treat her like you want her in every way. Make her feel special and loved and sexually attractive and wanted, bc all the moments without touch, or positive attention add up over the years. Many times we have to baby your feelings and be like a mom to you so then it’s like your another child. Then you see us a mom, no longer attractive but you don’t want us to leave bc then you might have to actually start doing all those things we asked you to do on your own. This sucks…no way around it…for everyone. But I want to live my life free, and happy, or at least content. We both have unresolved childhood trauma that we need to work on and over the years he never would, but now wants me to see someone, which I did, until he deemed that person unacceptable as a counselor. I’m sorry but I’m done putting in the work, if he wants that, he can do the work. I’ve worked my ass off for this marriage too long without help. Bought my own wedding ring, etc, etc. Never got the fairy tale or whatever tf that means. Sorry I’m a bit emotional right now. I try to get it out online so I don’t explode on someone in real life.
Frustrated Wife – I feel for you and I don’t know your husband but I feel for him too. In many ways and I feel like you echo my wife and everything she’s said over the years, and I may have similarities with your husband – I don’t know. We’re two months into our divorce and both still living under the same roof and will be for the foreseeable future so as to not “leave the marital home” for legal purposes and to be with our two year old son. As you know, divorce is a gruelingly slow process, especially with kids involved. For much of our relationship but more-so recently, within the last few years and especially since becoming a mother, my wife frequently talked about feeling unattractive, unloved, taken for granted, not treated special, etc. She would also regularly explode at me for no reason at all – completely unprovoked if she thought I looked at her the wrong way, my tone wasn’t perfect, etc and project motherhood/work frustrations onto me daily. I had so many conversations with her about tweaking our parenting plan when she was feeling overwhelmed so that I made sure I was bearing the burden of parenthood as much as possible. Constantly making changes according to her whims. I listened, always tried to be supportive and gave her space whenever she needed it without criticism. I’ve always been sexually/physically attracted to my wife even post-partum while she was overweight and she knows this. I made sure to tell her/show her in many different ways. Did couples counseling and both sought out individual therapy to make sure we worked out all of our issues. Everything she wanted and asked of me in terms of change -how I approach her, validate her, appreciate her, emotionally connect with her, etc. I DID in every way. I made serious lasting changes; genuine changes that I was proud of in order to be present and show up for her, our child, and our relationship. We “graduated” from couple therapy and checked in periodically to make sure our changes were sustained. She acknowledged our victories. Unlike most guys, I had the foresight years ago to take her feelings seriously and work on my weaknesses – knowing that these feelings could easily spiral into oblivion beyond the point of no return. In the end, IT DIDN’T MATTER. It wasn’t enough. What I always suspected but only officially found out recently is that my wife was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder a few years ago when seeking treatment for anxiety/depression/unprovoked bouts of anger. I’m also learning that she has what’s called an anxious-disorganized attachment style. I could never validate her enough. I could never compliment her enough or show enough love or show it in the right way. She was frequently suspicious of my intentions and didn’t trust me a lot of the time. She had no reason not to trust me. I never cheated on her physically, emotionally, or in any other way or indicated that I could ever be interested in other women. Frustrated wife – I’m not saying you have any of these issues but I am validating that the effect of trauma is PROFOUND. My wife’s dad walked out on her and her family when she was two. The “brady bunch” family that she became a part of afterward, included a sociopathic step brother who sexually assaulted her from the time she was 8 until she was 15. She told her mother early on more than once but the mother swept it under the rug…because she had met “the love of her love” – wife’s stepdad and “she didn’t want to rock the boat” (my wife’s words). To this day, the abuse is a huge family secret that was never dealt with. I guess ultimately, where I’m going with this is that all the change in the world could be made, sustainable change, all the love in the world could be displayed etc…but if underlying trauma like this is never dealt with, the relationship won’t stand a chance. Early on I thought I could undue the trauma of my wife’s past with my love and my presence as a supportive husband and a loving dad. As the relationship progressed I started to see that I could never come close. Within the last few months, my wife had several mental breaks or meltdowns – in front of my two year old. Violently flailing, kicking, screaming on the floor – breaking and throwing things across the room. These could last up to a half hour at time. I reached out to her family and asked for help in the form of an intervention or getting my wife to see a psych doctor. Her mother’s response – “I don’t know what to tell you. Sorry, I can’t help.” As soon as my wife found out I talked to her family about this, she asked for a divorce. That was two months ago.
Ditto! It took me almost 20 years of gaslighting to figure out he is a narcissist, sociopath, and pathological liar and a thief. You just don’t sit down with these people and give them a heads up. What they say & what they do are two different things. They are very calculating. Being in a relationship with them requires you to be on top of your game. They’ve spent years on your character assassination having their family & friends believe that they are the victims. And everything they have accused and projected onto you, they are the guilty of. I had more things materially when I married. I now have next to nothing. He owns & controls everything. He’s full of rules. Constantly sucking up my time, want business advice, feels entitled to everything, yet I’m not worth anything and I’m not “allowed” to leave. (His words) So I get it. I know who I am, and where I came from. And I do realize that it doesn’t matter what he thinks of me, only what I think of myself. So…because I am not being respected, it is imperative that I reclaim my power, my identity, and move on! Sadly it’s not easy & costs money. But what price do you put on saving your dignity?
Amen!!!!! They do it behind closed doors then play victim women have no voice. And often they use kids as weapons against their wives to the point they can’t take it anymore and they try and defend themselves and they portray them as the issue. It’s literally a no win closet abuse situation!
I’ve wanted to divorce my husband for the last 2 yrs. I’ve only just become at peace with the decision and I’m ready to tell him. I’m afraid though that I’ll have to pay spousal support since I’ve been the bread winner for the past 20 yrs. I’m also very afraid of how our teen kids will take the news.
Thanks so much for sharing your concerns. There are probably many others who feel the same way, and knowing you are not alone in what you are going through may give someone comfort. Hopefully your husband will be willing to cooperate with you, at least to the extent required to make things as easy as possible for your kids. Here’s a link to a post on our blog about how to protect your kids during divorce: https://nolotech.com/divorce-how-to-protect-your-children/
We hope this helps, and wish you all the best.
Why do you want to leave him now.
I have sat the last 2 hours reading through Web pages as I want a divorce but not sure how to bring it up. I have no feels at all towards my husband since he said that he no longer love me but wanted me to stay. I know that if I leave his visa gets revoked and he has to leave the UK. And he is not loving towards me at all….things are unbearable and every time we have a discussion he pulls the heart card…. Oh his chest is tight (he has had 2 heart attacks before) he has already asked me to stay when I told him that I wanted out as this marriage was it working. What do I do.
I think you should leave him immediately. He is obviously using you for his visa.
I would feel bad that he had to move out and get a passport and all that junk, but I agree 100%.
I’m sorry, but I agree. Stop worrying about him and take care of you. He doesn’t sound like much of a friend.
What happened next? Do you have any follow up on this story?
I have read many divorce topics over the past several days… I feel kind of dazed as I’ve read what I’ve been trying to describe all along as to what makes me want a divorce over the past several years. I live with a narcissistic judgmental critical and manipulative man. I have stood all I can with the up and down moods and arguments we have had. It happens over and over…I’m tired. If someone could just tell me where the “that was easy” button is after I decide what’s the best thing to do. He thinks it’s sex… That’s his answer to all…..wat am I to do??!!!! Therapy for me right now just to know how to try and deal with it… I want to be happy
hi, my name is Ana im very young i would say…im 26 and im going thru a divorce with my best friend of 15 years and married only 6 months, i don’t know what to do… i love him so much as a friend that i think is what hurts the most… i think he has some sort of mental illness since his excuse for the divorce is that he wants to be alone… im not fighting it but i have no idea how to deal with it… i can sure use some advice from people on this… we always thought we were soulmates and now im lost… what can i do to speed the process since i am going to school to finish my nursing and im getting financial aid…? will the fact that im not divorce decrease the chances of me getting more help?
Hi I have reading about divorce for the last 6 months, reading this helps me a lot. I am very sad and depressed about this I don’t know what o do. lately my husband has been yelling very often. and we fight almost every week.I have been married for 14 years. I went to counseling by my self because my husband doesn’t believe that can help us. I am very confused I have A 10 years old kid. I haven’t talked to him for 4 days I am tired of him being angry all the time.
My hisband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 6. The first time I caught him cheating was 4 months into our marriage. I forgave him with no consequence. He has since cheated another 3 times and I believe he is up to it again. I’ve been clear on what I need and how hard I’ll fight for our marriage but I’m tired of being the only one fighting for it. I have bent over backwards and changed so much of who I am and how I do thingd in hopes of him seeing the value in our marriage but no change. I have prayed, we’ve gone through counseling, and had even separated once (he begged to work things out) and he still lies about where he is, keeps his phone very close, and I have reason to believe he’s up to it again. I still love him very much but I can’t do this anymore.
Thanks for the article. I’m hoping that we can part ways in a peaceful manner.
I’ve been with my husband for the better part of a decade. Up until six months ago, I’d be hard pressed to say he cared about my needs for affection, time and attention. I stayed like most women do, hoping doe change, for financial reasons and of course the children.
I got to the point that I cut off my feelings of hury and disappointment just to survive. I stopped letting his indifference hurt my feelings and stopped internalizing the small rejections daily. I focuses on the kids and reestablishing friendships so that I didn’t have to be lonely and bores anymore all the time. I essentially fell out of love. And now? It shows. Of course this has his attention but I dins myself unable to respond. In fact, I resent him declaring her feelings by my NEW reticence after enduring his for so many years. Its like he woke up and now I’m supposed to fall in line.
I want love. The kind I’ve always dreamed of but at this point I feel I won’t ever have that typenod feeling doe him and our basic differences were to blame from the start. I want out but I do love him as someone I’ve shared my life with and stayed in the parental trenches with for so long. It pains me to think of losing that teamwork.
I have no idea what to do. I tries insisting on counseling doe many years and he resisted. Bow that my feelings have stagnated, he seems open to it but still it’s just talk.
I am in a nearly identical situation! Reading yours reminded me of my own. ..I struggle with feeling a sense of obligation to stay and work it out, and feeling like I’ve given him plenty of chances and it is too little too late. It is like living with a stranger with the changes he has undergone seemingly overnight. I can’t see how he can stay this way, and am extremely resentful that it took this long to make them. It is uncomfortable to be in my own home every day. I’m not willing to just stick it out for the kids, because I believe children deserve parents who love each other.
I’d love to know how this turned out as I’m in the exact same boat as you two ladies. Husband was a douche and now he’s a prince charming but too little too late. I’ve actually started seeing someone already before splitting up and I’m completely smitten. What to do?
This is scary, it almost describes my current situation exactly. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5. For the past year my feelings for him have completely died. He offered no help in the home or with our son at times and we split everything 50/50 financially so it makes sense to me that I receive some help in the home as well. I mean is that too much to ask? I’ve also started seeing someone after we split, I wasn’t looking to date so soon but this guy is everything i could ever want. You see when I was dating my husband I told him from the beginning we had literally no similar interests and nothing in common. I even told him that this wasn’t going to work in the long run. Now this new guy we love practically all the same things and God does he make me laugh. And not the cutesy giggles, that ugly laugh where your face scrunches weirdly and unseemly noises seem to escape unwillingly from your mouth. And I love that I’m able to have that right now in such a dark situation.
Well I’m married for 2 yrs n I’m going crazy my husband drinks n I dnt like it cuz when he drinks he dnt care anything even his kids …I really dnt knw what to do because we argued alot n also we fight real fight and I’m tired of it …he says he loves me but I dnt feel him I dnt believe he loves me he said he is going to change but I dnt think that’s going to happen. But I’m nervous or afraid to just leave it like that but I’m been thinking about divorce but I feel sad,lonely,used angry cuz of him everytime we argued I have that feeling in my heart like I want to hit him bad till I get tired…idk what to do I feel lost cuz I wanted this marriage to work but I think he dnt care n that prollly he thinks that I ain’t going any where but I’m tired I love him but I’m tired . Can anyone give an advice please thank you!
I want to divorce my husband but I honestly don’t have the money for it. He is an acholic he abuses drugs prescription pills, he steals from me. He is also abusive, we have a son that loves him but we argue non stop, he is no man and doesn’t provide for me nor my son but for his daughter from a previous relationship, I don’t know what else to do but divorce. I am sunk of this abuse. Physically and mentally. What do I do to seperate from him. I want him to leave my house, leave me and never turn around. I don’t ever want to hear from him again .
If you are in California, you can use our book, How to Do Your Own Divorce in California, for instructions and forms to file for divorce with a fee waiver. The book also has suggestions on what to do in cases of domestic violence. You can find more info about the book at https://nolotech.com/divorce-books/how-to-do-your-own-divorce-in-california/.
My husband is an alcoholic too and smokes 2 packs a day. We’ve been married 2 years. He had a job for over a decade, then when we married, suddenly he couldn’t work anymore. Allegedly. He’s totally using me, sitting around my house all day, watching tv, while I work hours and hours. Well I had enough. I took his truck away from him, it’s in my name and I pay for it. Boy he’s mad now. ..he has no money and no way to pay for himself out there in the real world, but I don’t want to deal with this anymore.
I’ve been married since April of 2016. My husband struggled with smoking pot he stopped when he moved to be with me but he recently started to smoke again. I can’t take it, I don’t want to tolerate a stoner. I need him to grow up and be a man. I’ve bought up divorce but he just says he’s sorry and tells me that I’m the only one he wants to be with. Is separation really for good for me in my situation? I want to work things out but I don’t want him to be 7 states away. He has no one here where we live to be with in the meantime. And we can’t afford to live in two separate places.
Have you asked or know why he smokes? When something so detrimental is in the line, yet he’s choosing to do something which is a potential deal breaker for you, there may be underlying mental health issue he is self medications for. If he’s aware smoking isn’t something you’ll compromise about, your marriage could absolutely benefit from counseling. There’s much about this senario which is unknown to the reader. Is he smoking daily all day? To unwind? When he’s stressed? Do you
Live in a state in which its legal? Why did you use the word stoner in particular? Still though despite the questions I have I think if this is the only issue, counseling and compromise should be on the table. If you have found someone who is your life partner and this is the one thing you are so objectionable about try have an open mind and maybe meet in the middle. If he was snorting coke instead of drinking his morning cup of joe, my stance would be completely different so please don’t think I’m advocating illicit drug use. I come from a place where the government probably got the categorization of this particular substance TERRIBLY wrong. I have witnessed the benefits for epileptics first hand and in NO way should it be a schedule 1 drug. The medicinal benefits are also effective for a wide range of diseases and a healthier alternative than many meds which are approved by our fed government. The ironic thing is…I don’t even smoke the stuff. Anyway, I hope you all work things out. Your marriage is worth it and separation sounds like a final nail in the coffin. Good luck!!
I want a divorce. I have so much resentment towards my husband it is awful everyday. Mostly financial, I have to do the bills alone after asking so long for help managing them but he won’t. We both work and so if I ask him to not use the debit card to let things clear he deliberately uses it. I’m tired of the same problem. Our financial situation is worst than when I was a single parent. I want to pick up and leave but I have so many commitments, that I can’t just leave. I’ve tried talking to him, separating accounts but he just spends every single cent. I am so resentful and it makes our home bitter. Not sure what to do anymore.
Tell him you’re ready to go unless you operate from a single checking account, which he doesn’t have access to, and have his check direct deposited there. Whatever is left after bills split 50/50. You’re obviously managing everything and he’s incapable of doing so. If he isn’t willing to do that and you’re not ready to leave, try to get your name off all of the debt obligations and stop paying his car note and the things he values most that will be repoed or shut off (if that’s an option). Close credit card accounts in his name or have him removed as joint user (or take your name off). Maybe if he sees his car on a rollback he’ll realize how the bill gets paid. Just a suggestion. Good luck!!
I so understand how you feel. MY husbands the second way, I have a separate account, so I take all the money out of our joint account and leave home with gas and a little extra. The rest goes in my account where I pay the bills.
When he asks me for money, it’s too bad, I spent it on the bills.
When somebody isn’t financially responsible you have to treat then like a child.
Being married is a ministry. Lord I need a little more Jesus!!!
My husband treats me like his maid. He’s always putting me down and making me feel bad. I’m ready to leave him, but part of me is still really freaked out.
This is difficult because I’m not mad at my husband, he’s not a paragon of virtue but neither am I. He’s not a horrible person & I’m not either. We’re both pretty decent, attractive individuals and we recognize that in each other. We started as friends & we still are but we’re not in love. He’s willing to live with that. I’m not. I’m looking for relatively clean ways to initiate a divorce.
C…This is my situation exactly. I “dated” my husband long distance off and on for 20 years. After my kids left home my business relocated me to the area he lived so we said what the heck let get married. We were married 3 months before I moved in with him due to logistical issues.
I realized within 6 months that the whole thing was a mistake. The guy that I “dated” long distance was very different from the guy I lived with every day while married. I realized that our fantasy did not even remotely match reality. It turned out that we had NOTHING in common. While at my age (57) that is a real problem, he is content to just “get along”. I am not. After 3 1/2 years I am DONE! I told him I want a divorce and he is literally acting like everything is fine. Now that I told him that I want a divorce, I need to know how to tell him I am serious and he needs to GO!
I’ve been married for 15 years now, and I can say they have been the most miserable years of my life. If it wasn’t for my kids I would of left a long time ago. I have taken so many humility from him and including from his family. But I learned to stay away from his family in order to stop hearing their bad comments. They don’t even have a slightly idea of what I’ve been putting up with him behind doors. He screams at me in front of my kids for ever. I do defend myself at times, but yet I walk away most of the times because he has pushed me against the walls. Until one day, he was arrested for domestic violence he stopped pushing me around. The verbal abuse still continues. The only reason I guess I’m still here, would be that I get scared thinking of finances we owe. Would be worse if we separate, or file a divorce. Our kids are older now, and can’t stop thinking once they leave to college, how is it going to be like once they realize their parents are getting a divorce? I don’t even know what’s worse, if to have file a divorce when they were younger, or leaving to college.
Hi I am deaf. We got married last Feb 14th 2017. I think my mistake for marrying him. When I told him about my nice roommates and he is tired to hear about them. I just wanted to tell him the truth that they asked me abut budget that my roommate wanted to give us money for the house. My husband knew and agreed. I think he is jealous ? He asked me a question did you and roommate talked about something that I didn’t know ? I was upset whenhe questioned me I feel like he don’t trust me but he said oh did I said I don’t trust you . I just asked you a question. But I didn’t like his questions he think he has right to ask me a question . Sometimes he turned me down. He is too smart and I am not. I was thinking I don’t know if We should buy a house. Sometimes I am not unhappy. I tried to tell him how I feel but he think it’s nothing wrong with him. He didn’t want us in the living room because of two men roommates. We always stay in bedroom. I know my roommates for almost 4 years before my husband moved in with us. They are my friends nothing more . I don’t know if I should get a divorce him.
Since June 2004, I’ve wanted to divorce an emotionally abusive husband. With 3 kids under the age of 6 (in June 2004) and a string of crappy marriage therapists, here we be– still married. He makes a substantial living in California, and so my dear brothers and close friends are screaming that I should investigate my alimony rights as a “stay at home mom.” I’m a Cal Grad and someone who used to have incredible self-confidence. I had interesting friends and once worked as a paralegal at a top law firm in San Francisco! Where does a person in this situation start?…
We suggest you start with “How to Make Any Divorce Better” which will show you strategies and techniques you can use to bring up to him the idea that you want a divorce, and will also provide you with negotiation tools. We also have “How to Do Your Own Divorce in California” which you can use to learn how a CA divorce works, and even prepare and file your own paperwork if you want. According to the book, you can get divorced in California if either you or your spouse has lived in CA for at least 6 months, and in the county where you will be filing for at least 3 months, just prior to filing the Petition. You didn’t say if either of you live in California, but if you so, these books would be a great place to start. You can also subscribe to a series of free videos where author/attorney Ed Sherman explains a lot of useful information about CA divorce, by signing up for our free divorce checklist at https://nolotech.com/blog/. We hope this helps. Good luck!
October 2017 I will be married for ten years . but my marriage has been a struggle , my wife doesn’t get along with people. I married her do I can be a father to my son but she just have no respect towards me
now I have made up my mind I don’t want 10 year anniversary
My husband is perfect in every way. He’s handsome, good job, very caring, just everything a woman would want. I’ve braved the relationship for over a decade. At first I didn’t want the marriage, but then I thought it’s just what I had to do. However, I am no longer in love, I cannot be intimate, and just tired of the everyday cycle. I’ve never felt in love, but i do love him. Now I want a divorce, but Im scared it would just feel the same with someone else no matter how perfect they are. People think im crazy because he’s such a great guy. But I feel need for a change. I dont now how to tell this sweet man who has never done anything wrong. Am I crazy?
I’m in a close situation. I’ve been married to my wonderful, warm, sweet, and attentive husband for 34 years. The last 4 have been a struggle for me. In the last week he had come to realize I’m not happy and there have been many tears from him. I have not shed one yet. We are counseling but I’m sure that I’m just done. The problem is, although we’ve talked and I’ve been open about how I feel, he’s even more attentive. It sucks. I feel terrible for hurting such a nice man. But as my counselor said “you are not responsible if your happiness is not okay with him”. I thought that sounded very selfish and then he said to me “being happy is NOT selfish”. hmmm
I know I’m not perfect in this and many women will jump to blame me for everything (my wife sure does.) I’m not emotionally demonstrative to anyone (admittedly even to her) though I do remember anniversaries, birthdays, etc. I work full time while she’ at home watching TV and chatting on the computer. I do all the laundry, most of the dishes (she does one load a month on average,) a quarter of the cooking (she does half the cooking and we eat out the rest of the time,) yard work, work on the cars, run her around since she can’t drive, clean the house other than one of the bathrooms and her office…….but I’m apparently not doing half the housework according to her.
In the past two years she’s: threatened to assault me, threatened to kill me, threatened to burn down the house, thrown and destroyed a laptop I gave her, destroyed some DVD’s I’ve had, kicked a hole in the wall, thrown a boot at my head and dented the wall, and thrown books and destroyed an outlet face-plate. In this I am to blame because I made her angry so naturally it’s all my fault.
She doesn’t like any of my friends nor family so I can spend time with none while we must hang out with all her friends weekly at a minimum. She decided she wanted an open relationship so she could screw around and she’s done so (I have not.) So tell me ladies that blame your men for all your problems where am I going wrong? Is it the fact that I can’t spend 24/7 doing everything she wants? I mean I bring her coffee, rub her back/neck, listen to her gossip about all her friends problems (though admittedly I could not care less most of the time.)
I know I’m not perfect (and hear about my imperfections damn near daily.) We are broke all the time just trying to cover all of her medical problems and bills. I’ve stopped buying my medications (which I need to live) just so we can get hers. I’m slowly working on eating less (which is great because I’ve lost almost 20lbs so far, 50 more to go.)
She’s always sick, always in pain, always got a new disease but I can be puking my guts up and be expected to work or making it up. Meanwhile she has a little tummy ache which incapacitates her…………..unless she “needs” to go to a friends house or somewhere fun for her.
So please tell me why I’m wrong for wanting out? I enjoy reading all the blame for men around the internet for all of the problems but do me a favor and look at yourselves. Men aren’t perfect but neither are you all.
WOw!!! Your wife got lots of narcissistic traits I would say possibly a combo of what its called Cluster B Personality Disorder. I suggest you start figuring why you have to take so much abuse, regardless of the label of her disorder. I hope you come out into the realization that you do not deserve to be abused especially when you are the opposite to her. God bless you with understanding and strength to deal with the solution.
I think you have earned your way out!
I feel like I am stuck. I think I want a divorce from my husband half the time because half the time I’m upset or overwhelmed, but the other half I’m able to see that I do still love him. I’m only 25 yrs old and I know marriage is work but I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted and we’ve only been married 2 years, I just feel like we’re stuck in this cycle of fighting, and then we have peace for a few days and the same issues resurface back up, and I just want out of this limbo. He says he’ll change, and treat me right and show me affection and attention, but that only lasts a couple days…I don’t know if divorce is the answer or not, I just want to feel appreciated and be happy.
I am kinda going through the same types of issues with a little different thing too maybe….i don’t know im confused.
In the beginning we both agreed we didn’t want to be married again since we both have a failed first marriage and no babies together….again we already have children although neither of us actually HAVE our kids as they are with their other parent for reasons that are unrelated to our situation.
We have been together since 2006. During this time we have lived alone for only 2 times….when we got together I moved in with him and his roomate who also has been like a brother/best friend of his since middle school and got the place with him to help him get over losing his first marriage and her taking the kids…while they finished their lease out…that was fine…then for one year we had our own place but the roommate from the beginning of the relationship ended up lising his relationship with his girlfriend and spending most of the last 3 months of our lease with us so the decision came that we would just get another place together….and away we went for the next year and a half… They had a falling out and we all ended up evicted. We had to move in with his parents. In order for this to happen we had to be married because his parents are old fashioned that way and so his dad married us….i was ok with it because I loved him enough and couldn’t imagine my life apart so why not make our living situation easier and just do it….there we stayed for the next 5 years because it was made easy.. . We paid very little rent he was the only one working for the first 3 1/2 years and i didnt. We had only one car so it would have been difficult to work out transportation for one of us . But while i stayed home I made sure he had c lean laundry as well as a clean living area beca use its the least I could do after he spent all day working.
I have to say with shame we were in our very late 30’s and early 40’s at this time. But it was still fine…i just thought of his parents as roommates and i got along great with them the whole time and even still have a good relationship I feel.
Eventually I got a job and rode with mom and he used the car and it was fine. Then I had a heart attack and was let go from my job directly after being allowed to go back to work… so after 2 weeks I was again working and still am currently employed there (as well as now I have a 2nd job too). My husband drinks alot and has had problems with his family because of it pretty much his whole life because they are very against it and just don’t understand addiction…and I have a habit of my own which we were both aware of going into our relationship….but his drinking caused his parents to kick him out of their house and forced us to finally grow up and get our own place last year. His parents are unaware of my habit because I am and was able to keep it away from them and he’s embarrassed if people know so its something we keep a big secret as far as he’s concerned. Because they would look down on me for it he says even though ive proven to be the one who can keep it out of the obvious as opposed to him. He was not able or willing to keep himself in check and be a functioning addict where as I am exactly that. Because I have a habit is the reason i have to work 2 jobs which I can clearly see is ridiculous but its where I’m at now… i am in good standing with both jobs and enjoy my profession. Ive worked full time for over 3 1/2 years at one and almost a year at my part time job.
My husband got lucky and got hired on with the city workin g at the help desk. He was there for 5 or so years and we even had health insurance until drinking going in late calling in etc caused him to lose it while we were living with his folks.
Since we have moved out he’s had about 3 – 4 jobs in the last 12 months and is currently getting unemployment. We try to divide up the expenses evenly yet he complains when ever he feels like being contrary or just to do it I guess…we split rent then I pay electric 100% and cable/internet 100% and buy any household items needed and pet supplies hygiene etc while he covers his 1/2 rent car payment and insurance and buys food with the food stamps he gets because he lied and said we were separated so he can get them. He did this process of applying and actually being elidgeable to receive them without my knowledge. I know now but would have preferred him to not do that but im indifferent with this….so we don’t argue about that at least….
Basically I feel like we are roommates and he’s an inconsiderate one….he doesn’t really ever eat so he never does dishes….doesnt help with upkeep in the apt. I can clean it and by thhe timne I get home it’s trashed. He is a slob who can’t even find the laundry basket for his dirty clothes or clean up after himself….always has everylight in the house in 24 hours a day in every room and not just where hes at at the time because he’s awake most days and nights too. Hes always cold and im always hit because im fat and hes skinny and doesnt move around much soi he turns the heat to likje 85 and feels ” comfortable finely ” while i feel iver heated and not to mention my electric bill went up from $85 to now $122!!!
Whenever I try to communicate my feelings he shuts me down and says all I do is bitch. I tell him he can always make me stop “bitching” by simply picking up after himself or not blasting the heat but it falls on deaf ears….his m ain complaint with me other than my “bitching” is my choice of tv shows….i watch what I watch in my room and he dies what he does in the living room so he doesn’t have to watch what I like and vise versa… when he does sleep he passes out on the couch whilke im in my/our/the bedroom…thats fine too whatever….but every time I try to have a dialog with him about things im having troiubl ecwith he shuts me down with “come on babe not today” or “not now I’m trying to do something” since he’s been unemployed he’s gotten back into art because he’s an artist so there are projects EVERYWHERE in our small apt in various stages of finished so it looks like i live in a constant construction zone. He will go as far as sanding with sandpaper in the LIVING ROOM WITHOUT even a towel under him!!!! Yet im unreasonable to complain about it and I’m just against him doing art. He spends money on art supplies and beer and whatever else like he has a job and we are living penny to penny. He went to detox 3 times in the first 6 months we lived here but just to get people off his back not because he’s wanting to quit. He’s been told if he keeps drinking he’s gonna probably only have about 3 years to live because he’s drank soo long he’s damaged his liver to the point of alcoholic hepatitis… yet he drinks but “not as much” I dont hound him about the drinking I do complain how can he afford what he’s buying without a job because his un employment doesnbt leave him with the money for the things he’s buying but again am “on his case” Basically any time i open my mouth to voice how i feel this is what happens….ive told him if things don’t change that it woul d cause me to not want to live with him anymore and he’s clear with what that means by definition but seems like he thinks I’m talking no senseanbd won’t go anywhere but im truely sick of our overall lack of give a shit and unadultlike communication and zero partnership and over all lack of having common courtesy towards each other. I am so not happy with this relationship that i feel like he has to have unhappy feelings too but he doesn’t talk of ending it and when i do he says I just say that to hurt him. I say that because I mean it and wish we could work on stuff but to no avail. I will miss him if we separate and would be jealous and hurt if he moved on and i dont have my eye on anyone else but… I’ve recently made amends with my first husband and he would love to try again so if this doesn’t work out i dont have fear of being alone because I could always go try to make up for my selfishness that cause that one to end but would rather stay in this marriage and try to work things out like mature people but i cant see him getting on board. Things gave to change or else we are always gonna be at each other but i cant change it all and see zero effort from him.
I really don’t know what to do….going to counseling as a couple won’t happpen becau se we can’t affo rd it and he feel s thats what broke up hius first marriage.
Please any advice helps
I’ve been marriedbto my husband for almost 15 years and together 17. He is an addict and was clean for many years 3 months ago I found out he started using and lied to me for two months until I found it. I have been through several rehabs with this man and have had good and bad. Since I found it and knowing he brought it in this house with our kids that 13,12,10 I told him I’m done I can not do this anymore. He has gone is irate and mad and doesn’t understand. He has gone up to my kids and verbally attacked me with words that I would never say and I feel so disgusted with myself that I am lost. I gave not worked for 17 years and have stayed home taking care of him and my kids. He says I am not going to work and will run and you are damaging are kids life by wanting to leave. I am trying to keep a friendship with him but know I can not stay married to him. He won’t let go and seems to think I’m being selfish because of all the financial and not thinking of his needs. We are living under the same roof and I want to leave but He cut off all the credit cards for me but one and I have no family. What do I do?
I would like to get a quick and clean divorce in as short time as possible.
I am very unhappy with our marriage and I presumed she is too.
We have lived apart due to my unreasonably long commute (>100 miles one way) for the past nearly 5 years. i am essentially at home only for the weekends.
This situation is very draining for me and I want to have a quick and clean closure. I suspect that my wife could file for the divorce, and I want to preempt her move. I think I just want to get out, because I feel that dragging it out and going through counseling sessions and trying to make it work will only be more emotionally devastating – like with a surgery you want to do it quickly with a sharp knife. We both have pretty good and very similar salaries,
and I don’t want to argue too much about the assets. I can live in a 1br apartment or a small condo for the rest of my life not expecting anything anymore. I just don’t want to be obligated to drive back and forth and talk to her every day. I would like to severe all the interactions and let her have anything she needs or wants.
Any attempt of fixing what has been already broken will only make things worse.
I don’t know what to do. Where do I start?
We suggest you consider reading our book, How to Make Any Divorce Better because it gives you some excellent guidance on how to bring up the topic of divorce, and how to make things go as smoothly and easily as possible. It is available in both print and eBook format. You can also get some helpful tips and advice from our blog by clicking here. We wish you the best of luck.
I have strongly been considering divorce this whole last year, and have come to terms with the fact that its necessary to continue moving forward. I have been married to my wife for 4.5 years and together 5.5.(I am female as well) I feel i have done everything and am still not good enough. I was an alcoholic up until 2 years ago in which what led up to me getting sober was having an affair. I was unhappy and striving hard to find out why. I was not getting attention from her and kept asking her if she was even happy with me anymore. All of which she claims her past childhood issues made her put a wall up and shut down on me. Granted i was drinking heavily and did not treat her the best. And i have apologized greatly for this since. After getting sober 2 years ago i 180ed and changed everything. We went to counseling which helped until they told her things she didnt want to hear. They told her she constantly ruminates about my affair even though i have apologized profusely. Still 2 years later she wants me to go through all the details and constantly relive it and apologize. I apologize almost daily. I have Opened up about the whole thing and given her all my loyalty and honesty. I have walked on egg shells the past 2years trying to please her. However she doesnt try with me. She claims she cant be here for me because of what i did to her. I could have the most minor issue with her and it always goes back to ‘well i wouldnt be this way if it wasnt for what you did to me’ So i go on pouring my heart out and not recieving much in return. We have not been intimate in over a year and are more or less like roommates. My feelings have faded as i have kept growing and moving forward with my life. . she is angry, bitter and negative daily over anything and everything. Its pushed me so far that i dont want my marriage anymore but i have no idea how to go about it. I try keeping things civil but am at the point where i feel its unfair to her and hurtful to me. She refuses change and expects me to still pick up the pieces and do everything for her without anything in return. I have finally come to terms with my feelings but how do i move forward in the most peaceful and least hurtful way? I know bringing up divorce she will attack me and call me selfish. But its time i start caring for me and myself. Help?
We are sorry to hear about the difficulties you’ve revealed in your marriage. The best help we can provide is to suggest that you read “How to Make Any Divorce Better”. You will learn the best way to let your wife know you want a divorce, and how to keep things as calm and reasonable as possible. Here is more info on this book: . We wish you and your wife all the best.
Tenisha I am an alcoholic too. (3 yrs)My story is almost the same as yours. Are you working the program? If you haven’t divorced yet, don’t! My husband also had childhood issues. I almost made the same mistake as you. While drinking I found I only knew 1/2 of the things I said and done to him. When we found out about my affair he stuck by me and stuck by me getting sober. He and I both went to therapy as individuals. He was so miserable and angry and I ready to get my life back. What I didn’t realize is that my husband was there for me and when he sank into misery couldn’t be bothered. Took him 2 1/2 years to really understand that I had changed and I learned that the affair made his mind start believing again he was worthless. He started going to al-anon and a new therapist. He is a new man. He is not the one I married. He is a better man.
I’ll refrain from using this post to vent about my 19+ year california marriage comming to an end and just skip ahead to my question.
I noticed after clicking the link for your book that it was updated this year though this article is obviously several years old. Do you update it every year? If so what month of the year do you release the newest update? Considering I don’t plan to file for divorce till 2020 (after my kids all turn 18 and I have saved up for new start) I would really be interested in having an up to date version of your book the year i plan to file, thank you.
We are not currently printing annual updates for our California divorce book, but do have a 2018 update in eBook format. We suggest you check the update notices page on our site for this book at Alerts – How to do Your Own Divorce in California when you are ready to proceed with your divorce.
My wife has been seeing someone that she met playing a game. She told me that she wanted to explore being Polly and I have tried to be as supportive as I can. This has been going on for almost 6 months now and it’s getting to the point where I don’t feel like we are married anymore. She’s always texting him or talking to him on the phone. She will completely ignore my calls and text messages or reply hours later. Also she has been unemployed for almost 2 years and doesn’t really try to get a job. Whenever I try to bring up things that bother me it always turns into it being my fault and sometimes she will flat out ignore me when I’m trying to talk. I’ve suggested talking to someone about what’s going on she refuses. If anyone has any advice for me that would be great I still love her and I want to try to work things out.
Love yourself more. When you do you will tell her where to get off. She doesn’t respect you.
Start seeing a counsellor is my suggestion. You need to build your self esteem and self worth, first. Then, you will find your path out of this.
It is scary, getting help, but it’ll be worth it in the end.
In terms of advice, reading your words: you know what to do. You know you aren’t happy. This isn’t about right/wrong or whatever. No amount of external validation will give you that courage, Justen. You know you are not happy. You know. You just need help to get yourself ready to accept that unhappiness and find the will to change it.
Good luck.
I am not with my husband now, but he wants to fly and stay with me, I have not told him I want a divorce but I don’t want him to come to my house and stay for 10 days. He works out of town and has not been home for 6 months. In that time I have moved and started a new life but have not told him about wanting a divorce, he still thinks I am going to move with him and leave here once he comes for a visit. I need to tell him about the divorce so he could maybe not fly here and waste money, and I need to tell him over the phone. how do you suggest I say I want a divorce over the phone tactfully, again this is the only way I have to tell him.
We got married a year ago but we have been staying together for the past 5 years. I really love him but at times I hate him so much. He keeps hurting me over and over and over again.
He has a drinking problem and is in denial. When he is drunk he treats me like trash he says harsh words. Whenever he gets money he will pick up a fight with me so he can have a ‘reason’ to drink. Worse part is that he is a man who wants to live for the moment, he does not think of the future. I want to study further, buy a house and save for the future but he doesn’t seem to care. When we save he takes the money behind my back and spends it on beer. I feel he is dragging me backwards and if I am with him I do not see a bright future.
He is also not transparent with money. He hides payslips from me even though I show him my payslip. I feel I am the only mature one and he just doesn’t care. He wants a kid but I don’t think he is fit to be a father. I really want kids but I’m afraid of having a kid with someone like him. We share bills and he does not give me any assurance that he can take care of me and the kid if we decide to have one.
I tried discussing it with him but he acts like I am a paranoid person, Apologizes and then do it over and over again. I am becoming bitter and resentful and I hate this person I am becoming. I lost my parents and by having him I thought I have found someone who would care for me and I would do the same. I have always been faithful and loving. On two occassions I found him flirting and sexting with other women. Hence I feel this is toxic. I am tired of sleepless nights and crying for somebody who does not value me.
My dream is to pursue my education just study for a Masters degree, get a better job and forget about him. I think I want to let go but I don’t know how or where to start. If I tell him I want to leave he threatens to kill himself, he even said if I cheat on him he will kill himself. I feel he is manipulative because he makes me endure all his bad behavior but he does not want me to treat him the same way. I am tired, so tired and I have no one to turn to. I don’t even know if this is how marriage is supposed to be or not because most people always say I am lucky to have him because we look like those power couples in public and he also likes to show off in public acting like a gentleman
Please advice.
I have been married for a little over a year and I’m just now finding out that my wife actually has been married four times prior to me. I’m very unsure of how I should feel about this. She has been so shady in the past, I want to trust her but it’s so hard now. She is on her phone constantly and does not give me any attention. She comes home from work goes to her room for hours before she comes out sometimes goes straight to sleep but constantly on her phone. Before we were married she constantly was asking me to marry her to give us a chance. She said that if I would take 50% of the blame she would always take the other and in no way has she stood by this. I love her very very much but I am getting so tired of doing all the work and her not trying at all, it’s exhausting. I was hurt at work 26 days after we got married so I’ve been home all this time awaiting a surgery for my neck injury. Although I am not working I have an income of more than what she makes. For the life of me I cannot understand why or how she went from loving me and wanting to be with me so much to just days after we got married to being so distant from me. It’s like she turned into another person the day after we got married I don’t understand this and I’m trying so hard to fight for us. I know that me being home all the time with nothing to do that I can be smothering at times I don’t mean to be. I just want to spend time with her and love her. I know that is not that big of a deal because I’m here not working but I keep this house perfectly clean everything done when she comes home she does not have to do anything, I even learn to cook some. But most of the time she cannot even say one nice word to me. Please please somebody help me understand what my wife is going through I do not want to lose her.
You are getting played. Do you have any $$$? Did she think you did?
You got worked over. Take your lumps and learn your lesson. Pack up and hit the road to a better living situation with someone you can truly trust…
Please don’t bring a sweet child into an unstable marriage. Go get your masters degree. It will take you to new heights, and you will meet new people who have aspirations like yourself.
He will have to face his own alcoholic demons. You cannot do this for him. The abuse will never stop until he finds peace within himself.
You were born to experience happiness and joy. Don’t waste another minute trying to fix someone who doesn’t want to be helped -and will abuse you all the same.
I’m praying for you, myself and all the other tormented partners in miserable marriages. The current Coronavirus pandemic has us all cooped up together -with no outlet or escape from the miseries they inflict on us. Even a miserable job is an outlet from a miserable partner.
Fortunately, for me, my soon-to-be ex husband left the country and got stuck living with his miserable sister, who he can’t stand on a good day (there is divine justice). He still spews his poison relentlessly, -bullying, threatening, conspiring with our mortgage lender to defraud me out of our equity settlement. He sends countless text messages and emails full of word vomit. He acts like our realtor is our lawyer, dragging her through his twisted schemes.
I’m 56, he’s 51. It doesn’t get better with age or time. If you and your husband are still young, get out now before you waste your life. Getting a divorce in later life has a whole lot more in the way of life complications.
Love some of these responses like “shit happens”….”own up to her leaving you”….”you must have known something.” What a load of b.s! Aside from someone being physically or mentally abused – there is absolutely no excuse for a spouse to just suddenly load up their shit and walk away. Anyone who would do something like that to another person is a 100 percent selfish narcissist/sociopath. The partner who is left in the dust from a situation like that should give their self centered spouse exactly what they deserve, which is no mercy. To hell with that childish nonsense!
My husband and I have been seeing a marriage counselor for over a year now. His mother ticks most of the boxes in the narcissistic checklist. Our therapist agrees. During sessions my husband has had a number of epiphanies regarding her toxic behavior however he always regresses back to defending her behavior. He admits that he always will “because she’s my mom”. Our therapist has told us both that he is enmeshed with her. He had an individual session yesterday after which the therapist asked me to do an individual session next week. He added that it is clear he is full of anger and resentment towards me and he is concerned for our relationship. We share a child and I have two older children from a previous marriage. I’m considering moving out to go like at my mom’s for a while. She has a second home she can go to if I decide to do so. It’s heartbreaking but I can’t think of any other solution. I love my husband but the resentment and the anger is misplaced and I’ve been living like this long enough.
My wife is perpetually unhappy. The unhappiness scale moves into the red as the day wares on and by nighttime 10pm she is fighting anywhere between depression and rage. Recently I’m making more effort to talk to her and give support. But all I here is more of the same junk about how awful I am and how it’s all my fault. We have been married 10 years with a young son. I think she is hitting menopause. I plan to retire in 8 years. I often think to myself. Is this it? Is this how I will live for the remainder of my life having to listen to and take the verbal abuse. Having deal with my 51 year old crybaby for a wife. I want out but how? How to exit the marriage without leaving wreckage? How to leave the marriage and have my wife feel it was her idea and something she wants. And that is my big questiong
The next time she puts you down and says how awful you are.. say “would you prefer it if we weren’t together anymore?” “Do you want us to seperate?”
When she says yes, calmly accept it.. reflect back to her, that you can see she isn’t happy with you, and can understand she wants to seperate”… and tell her you will start putting things in place to move
I’m in a situation where I want/need a divorce, but I’m afraid that my husband will hurt/murder me if I tell him face to face. I’ve considered leaving overnight, but I’m afraid that he’ll kill our cats if I do and I’m also afraid I won’t be able to get them all in carrier(s) without raising his suspicions. He’s unemployed, and never leaves the house. I’m also afraid that I’ll be on the hook for spousal support. That’s obviously not my greatest worry, but it’s sort of upsetting that I would have to pay an emotionally/financially/physically abusive man money just to get away from him.
Slowly pack your things and take them to someone’s place you know.. say your donating it to charity even
Put money aside to be able to set yourself up elsewhere, or organise a person to stay with that he doesn’t know where they live
The day you want to leave, tell him your taking the cats to the vet.. maybe for a check up or something your concerned about, or what ever you think he will accept
Then .. run!
My husband and I recently separated. We’ve been married for six years and it has been an abusive marriage of sorts. I wanted to resolve the issue myself so that I can be a great mother and wife to the family, but I feel it’s a waste of time trying to fix my marriage because. broken down and emotionally depressed I wanted peace so i can focus on my children. I feels it is unfair for me trying to fix it alone putting all my effort I was confused.
I have been married for 12 years and last week my husband ask me for the divorce. I dont know why, from what I can recall being with him i said to him twice that i want a divorce but didnt meant to it was pure anger. Can he use this in the court ?